Popular Jokes
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Ca
A plain computer illeterate SARDAR rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
Sardaar: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
Sardaar: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
Sardaar: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the Sardaar is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM "OK, darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER "Well, the air bag works."
Alaska
⢠A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
(O_o)
⢠Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear for photo opportunities.
(is shooting waking?)
⢠Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
(but why?)
⢠In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.
⢠It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
(How did the moose get in the flippin plane?)
⢠Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
⢠Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
⢠State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found t
While his mother was having a consultation with the doctor, Little Johnny could be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room, yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
A few minutes later, they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, she casually said to the doctor, "I hope you don't mind Little Johnny playing in there."
"No, not at all," the doctor replied calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be?
I always say, "How to Build a Boat".
- Steven Wright.
1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstas
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allerg
Things to do at a McDonalds drive thru!
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to ta
The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!''
Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's way better than Clyde!''
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