Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in South Carolina when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend. A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it 'Young Tiger Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.'" "But I'm not a Tiger fan", the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in South Carolina, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks, "How does 'Gamec

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day. 1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 3. A room temperature IQ. 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. 5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. 6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 7. Bright as Alaska in December. 8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group. 9. Fell out of the family tree. 10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 12. He's so dense, light bends around h

"My friend," said St. Peter to the recently deceased, "you did lead an exemplary life on earth - but there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain. Would you care to tell us about it?" "I recall," replied the new applicant, "it was in 1965 on the last hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the first time in my life." "Was your drive good?" asked St. Peter, with increasing interest. "Right down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart." "Oh dear," said St. Peter, "A real sucker! Is that when you..." "No. I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet, caught the swe

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you lose your car keys, click on "find". "Help" with the chores is just a click away. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash. We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves. The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, "Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary." The owner did so and it read, "Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves."

Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" he refers to Klingons as "Critters" he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section he says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it he says, "Yee-Ha!" instea

I half a spelling checker, It came with my pea sea; It plainly marks four my revue, Mistakes I kin not sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please two no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew.