I can only be kind to one person a day. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Today is not your day.

Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite (see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician

Knock-Knock Who's there? life life who? A life is what you need to get!

What is the most racist animal in the world? A parrot bacause Polly wants a cracker not a nigger.

Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow

One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Ways To Annoy People On The Subway Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Constantly ask people for directions. Don't take a shower for a month. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.

You know your joke is bad when.... - All the comments rated -2 or less are the ones that say they actually like it. - There AREN'T any comments at all. - People ask if you are boring in real life. - It was so "not funny", that it was actually funny. And last but not least - There are absolutly NO duplicates of your joke because it was so bad. (I wonder if I can say the same for this)

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road, when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species. In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice. "Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?" "Well, your honor," the hiker says, "it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

George Bush to friend: Sorry I forgot your birthday. Dick Cheney forgot to put it on my to-do list.