A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Johnny was walking down the street pulling his wagon when he stubbed his toe. He was swearing like crazy when a priest comes up to him and says "Johnny, I wouldn't say such things, God is everywhere." Intrigued by the priest's comment, he questions the priest. "Is God over there?" he says pointing to a tree. "Yes Johnny, God is over there by that tree!" says the priest. "Is god right here?" Johnny said pointing right beside him. "Yes Johnny God is right beside you." says the priest. "Is God in my red wagon?" asks Johnny. "Yes Johnny, God is in your red wagon." says the priest. "Is god in my basement?" asks Johnny. "Yes Johnny, God is in your basement." says the priest. Johnny screa

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: She was afraid she might get hearing aids.

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?" The bartender replies,  "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka." The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"    The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."

Yo Momma stinks so bad she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard!

yo momma so fat she played pool with the planets!

A couple of teenagers craving something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins. They bought ice cream cones and returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two ravens landed on the front hood and began to caw and flutter, and to peck at the windshield. The young man finally figured out what they wanted. He finished his ice cream, opened the window, and put his empty cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down to eat. "You're wonderful," said his girlfriend. "How did you ever think of that?" "Nothing to it," he replied. "It was just a case of stilling two birds with one cone."

Many authors are disputing who wrote the Shakespeare plays. They each say they did. In their arguing, they decide to try and prove who wrote it by first showing Shakespeare's work, then theirs. Shakespeare version: TITANIA to BOTTOM Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful. Jack London's version: TITANIA to BOTTOM You're as wise as the snowy owl and as beautiful as the clear night sky with fresh white snow under the Northern lights. Dr. Seuss' version: TITANIA to BOTTOM You're as attractive as green eggs on a plate and the way you sing is fantastically great! Homer's version: TITANIA to BOTTOM Be you as wise as Odysseus and as beautiful as fair Helen. Guess who won.

Why did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine.