Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class? Because the kids were to bright!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did as he was told and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk, with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she tol

There once was a women who bought a new house but didn't know what to name it. So she stuck her head out the window and heard Hairy Butt! So she decided to name the house Hairy Butt. Then sometime later she had a baby boy but didn't know what to name it, so she stuck her head out the window and heard the word Crack, so she named her son Crack. The next day she lost her son so she called the police and said "Help! I looked all over my Hairy Butt but I can't find my little Crack.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy. They took him to church, and the pri

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's

There once were two babies both in the same room, with their cribs next to each other. After their mom tucked the babies in for sleep, one baby went to the other baby and said, "I can tell if you are a girl or a boy." The other baby said, "OK, what am I then?" The baby went under the other babies blanket and came up a minute later, and said with a grin on his face, "You are a girl and I am a boy." The second baby asked, "And how do you know that?" The baby replied, "I know because you have pink slippers and I have blue slippers."

A 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, "Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football." His mom says, "OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends." The teenager replied with, "But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!"

You Know You're A Mom When... * Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care. * When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. * You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. * You spend an entire week wearing sweats. * Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. * Popsicles become a food staple. * Your favorite television show is a cartoon. * Peanut butter and jelly is eaten in at least one meal a day. * You'

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say "filmed in front of a live audience?" Well, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it?

You are a redneck if: you've ever searched for gold in your grandpa's chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes me, who's you? (This is me, who's you.)