Here are two versions of the same story-- A certain man was passing through a small town and wanted to upgrade his mode of transportation. So he looked all around this small town he was in and found that the only place he could buy a faster means of transportation was at the local monastery. They had a horse for sale there for quite a deal. When the man was leaving the monastery with his new horse the monk that was sold him the horse said "Now all you have to remember is- When you want the horse to move all you need to say is 'Hallelujah' and when you want it to stop say 'Amen.'" The man then gave the monk a half acknowledged nod and continued on his way. After several miles the man sneezed

Three ants went to the beach to swim. Two jumped directly in the water. The other went back home and after an hour returned. Why? She forgot her swimming suit!!

Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records: 1. Discharge status: alive but without permission. 2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. 3. The patient refused an autopsy. 4. The patient has no past history of suicides. 5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. 8. She is numb from her toes down. 9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 12. The patient

1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento. 2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them. 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arrangement for grave robbing. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 10. Only item listed under

Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, "Oh, God!" The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain." The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?"

There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump." So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump. Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the guy went back to his car. He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air.

A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass. "In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says proudly. The Australian, who is obviously impressed by this, downs his drink, tosses his glass, draws his gun and shoots the glass. "In Australia we've got so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says. The Englishman pauses to give this some thought, then downs his drink, casually tosses his glass into the air, draws his gun, and shoots

There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet. The next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that " First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!"

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!

Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra. Pupil:A reindeer. Teacher: Good, now name another one. Pupil: Another reindeer.

yo momma so fat she played pool with the planets!