A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

'The Romance of Leprosy', E Mackerchar 1949 'Why bring that up? a guide to seasickness', J F Montague 1936 'Penetrating Wagner's Ring', John L Di Gaetanao 1978 'Constipation & our Civilization', J C Thomson 1943 'A pictorial book of tongue coating', Anon 1981 'A Government committee of Enquiry on the Light metal artificial Leg', Captain Henery Hulme & Chisholm Baird 1923 'Daddy was an undertaker', McDill, McGown & Gassman 1952 'Amputation Stumps: Their care & after-treatment', Sir Godfrey Martin Huggins 1918 'A Study of Masturbation & its reputed Sequelae', J F W Meagher 1924 'Sex after Death', B J Ferrell & D E Frey 1983

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Debenham's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the assistant mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his girlfriend with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the hab

What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey? The downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China

Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!

Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb???? A: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs?

A man was about to die, so he went to a black magic store to get a voodoo dick. The man at the store said, "It works. Anything you tell it to go to, it goes. So your wife can just say, 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'" The man buys it and gives it to his wife. She says, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." It goes in and starts screwing. But she doesn't know how to get it out. So she speeds to the hospital, but a cop catches her. He says, "What's the hurry?" She says, "There's a voodoo dick stuck in my pussy." The cop says, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ? A. They are Braille for "suck here".

zebra: 25 sizes bigger than an 'A' bra

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire

One night, a man and his wife decide to go out on a date. They get all dolled up, call the cab, and put the cat out. When the cab arives, they head out the door just as the cat darts back inside. The man head backs in to chase out the cat, and his wife heads to the cab. Not wanting to let on that no one would be home that night, she explains to the driver, "He's just going back in to say good-night to my mother." In a few minutes, the man returns to explain, "Sorry it took me so long. The old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"