A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?" Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the fuck was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" Custer, 1877 8 "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso, 1926 6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the fuck are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Wh

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

yo momma so fat she played pool with the planets!

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when the aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, and see what happens 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people

Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!

One drunk to another: "Have you ever been so drunk you'd kiss a woman's stomach?" Second drunk: "I've been drunker than that!"

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theatre."