Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!

A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop. Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please. Receptionist: Sure. The receptionist hands him a block of cheese. Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake? Rec: You have to purchase that seperately. Guy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well. Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand. The Rec hands him the cake. Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake? Rec: You blend it. Guy: With what? The Rec hands him a blender. The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it. Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it? Rec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake f

Q: what do you call two lesbians floating down a river A: Fur Traders Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. Q: Whats the difference between a lesbian driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: When u are eating pussy you can still see the asshole in front of you! Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: "I'll see you next month." Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience Q: Why don't fem lesbians go on dates? A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've go

One day at Lee Elementary in the 1st grade hallway a little boy named Chris(kid #2 from my spoiled brat joke) and another child name sarah are walking down the hall way. (sarah and chris bump into each other) sarah:watch it doo doo head. chris:you watch it cootie pants. sarah:who are you calling cootie pants,freckle face. chris:you,little miss bucktooth. sarah:well you're nothing but a ugly butt. chris:why don't you shut the hell up you god damn mother fucking bitch ass whore.

A man is bitten by a rabid dog he found wandering in his yard. Frantically, he rushes his computer and begins typing something. His neighbor walks in, and mentions to him that he need not worry, there is a cure for rabies. He replies, "I know that; I'm finding where George Bush is right now!"

A lawyer had just rented a cabin up north and was planning to do some hunting. So he goes up and finds that he has a neighbor. The neighbor is from Czechoslovakia. They decide to go hunting together and become good friends. While they camped out during the night 2 bears, a male and a female, attacked them. The lawyer just managed to get away. He stole a glance back and saw his Czechoslovakian friend get eaten whole by the male bear. The lawyer runs to the police and tells them to come and hurry and bring some tranquilizer guns. They run up into the woods where their camp was and they stumble across the 2 bears sleeping. The police say, "Which bear ate your friend?" The lawyer says, "The m

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Johnny a three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and his mother was with him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, the mother smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then Mom realized that Johnny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then she said, "Johnny, are you SURE you didn't have an acciden

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

I half a spelling checker, It came with my pea sea; It plainly marks four my revue, Mistakes I kin not sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please two no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can't study eNOugh. Love, Dad

A man decided he wanted a divorce from his wife of 30 years. After the divorce, they went their separate ways and never saw each other again. A number of years later, the woman died. When she was standing at St. Peter's Gate, he asked her "How was your life?" She replied "It was horrible. My husband of 30 years wanted a divorce, and he took everything. I was really depressed, and I died alone in a car crash." St. Peter responded, "To get into heaven, you have to spell one word." "Okay, what's the word?" "Love" The woman smiled and said "L-O-V-E" "Very good. Welcome to heaven!" A few months later, St. Peter approached the woman, and asked her if she could watch the gate for a few hours. The w