A man goes into the bar and orders a scotch. He gulps it down, and looks in his hand. He orders another one. He gulps it down and orders another one. He again looks in his hand. He orders 2 scotches this time and gulps them both down. He looks in his hand. The bartender, curious, asks the man what's going on. The man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home."

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word,

The Goriest, Scariest, Yuckiest Top 12 Things You Really Don't Want To See Written In Blood... 12) "Richard Hillman did it and------" 11) "Can you guess where your friends are?" 10) Your name signed on a Microsoft License Agreement 9) "Remember that kid you picked on during Junior Cert year..." 8) Your name on the bottom of a contract from Fianna Fail. (Irish government party) 7) "See! I can spell! Yor next" 6) "Luke, I am your father." 5) "Where the feck are the Elastoplasts?" 4) Your overdue Visa bill 3) "Does anyone have a spare Tampax?" 2) "Did yez ever wonder what happened to the blood you donated?" 1) "Dude you're gettin' a Dell!"

A duck walked into a store one day and asked the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk said, "No." So the duck walked out and came back the next day and said, "You got any grapes?" and the clerk said, "No." So the duck walked out and came in next time and said, "You got any grapes?" and the clerk said, "No, and if you come in again and ask if we have any grapes, I'll staple your feet to the floor." So the duck walked out and came in again and said, "You got any staples?" the clerk said, "No..." so the duck said, "You got any grapes?

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.

It was my first vacation out of my home country - I was going to Australia. It was also going to be my first time on a plane, so I got a nice, large, purple bag with one of the long, pull-out handles and wheels on the bottom so you can pull it around. It was a new experience for me! But, when I got to Australia, I watched the carousel go around and I saw nothing but the long handle. I even checked the sticker, and it was from my bag. I was furious. I walked up to a woman who worked at the airport and said, "Explain this to me!" She looked at the handle. "Are you sure that's your bag?" she replied. "Yes!" I cried, "but I'm missing most of it!" "Well, did you leave it unattended at some point

Blonde inventions: Waterproof towel Unbreakable egg Submarine screen door Solar powered flash light Helicopter ejection seat Inflatable dart board Pedal powered wheel chairs

One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack. When he asked, the man said, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight." The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replied the man, "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this here sack I'll give them both to you."

Why did the blonde steal a parked police car? She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)

*******before you read this I want you all to know this is a real letter written to an airline company by a passanger who rode in the plane*********** Dear Continental Airlines, I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left am and touch the door. All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is. Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that's blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooos

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom ''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out. ''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle wi