Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?" The boy stood up and said, "35." "Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked. "He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment sa

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" mean the same thing as "slim chance"? 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it call "after dark" when it is really "after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the

Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6? Because deep down, they're not so bad!

A blond got a new job cutting down trees. On the first day her boss handed her a chainsaw and said, "Now you have to go into that forest and cut down as many trees as possible using that chain saw. Please be careful with it and also please remember that the minimum is 6 trees a day." The blonde went into the forest and cut down trees but at the end of the day she had only managed to cut down 4. Her boss decided to give another chance but the next day she only managed 3. He decided to give her one last chance but on the third day she only cut two trees. When she finished work, he called the blond over and took her back into the forest. "Right,"he said,"You must be doing something wrong here s

An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a tramp But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp.

Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves? A. She fell out of the tree!

A young man entered a bar, walked to the counter and told the barman, "May I have a question, sir? I heard that a drink of beer will bring you the courage to do something terrible that you hate to do? Is that right, sir?" "Yes, I guess so," the barman answered with a smile. "How much beer then?" "It depends. Why don't you try and find out?" "OK, then give me a glass of beer please." Sitting in the corner, the young man kept asking for more beer. After the fifth glass, the barman looked at the man with a wink, "Well, how do you feel? Am I right?" "Uh yes, I feel the courage growing in me, but not enough," and then he ordered another drink. Three more glasses and then the man stood up, saying

1.Your richest relative buys an "expensive" house and you have to help take the wheels off of it. 2.You refer to the sixth grade as graduation. 3.Your wife's new hairdo gets destroyed by the ceiling fan. 4.Your front porch collapses and hurts more than three dogs.

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

Hickory, Dickory Dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one... The rest got away with minor injuries