May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

How do we know that Christ was Irish? Because he was 33; still lived at home; thought his mother was a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.

Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite (see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician

Your mouth is so big you could swallow a whole banana... ...sideways

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Q: Why do people have small dogs? A: So they can carry them in their bags, and when the person farts, they can blame it on the dog.

To all who do NOT believe in evolution, I have proof: MY spaghetti from two weeks ago has started growing arms and legs and I think it just called me, "Mommy". By the way, I, myself, do NOT believe in the theory of evolution.

A boy came back from school and noticed that his father was wearing his weeding ring at the wrong finger. He asked his father, "Why are you wearing your ring on the wrong hand and finger?" And the father said,"Because I married the wrong wife."

What do you call a lion wearing a hat? A Dandy Lion.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?