Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right? Well my Secretary refers to Friday as POETS day... Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday....!!!

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said "Come on, buddy, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each

Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work." Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"

A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick." "Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick." Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked. Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."

There was once a very stupid parrot that could only say: "Who's there?" So one fine evening, while its owner was out shopping, the gas delivery man arrived at the door. He pressed the door bell and waited for the door to be opened. At that moment, the parrot said: "Who's there?" The man then promptly replied: "Gas delivery man." The parrot then spoke: "Who's there?" The man then repeated himself again. After several hours, the owner returned home. He was shocked to find a man outside his door, foaming in his mouth. Puzzled, he said:" Who's that?" A voice from inside the house replied: "Gas delivery man."

If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left? None, they're all copycats!

There were three midgets. Each one wanted to win a world record. The first midget went in to the place for world records and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest hands. He came happy and said i got the record. So the second one goes in and says I want to see if I can get the record for the worlds smallest feet. He came out all happy and said i got the record. Then the last one goes in and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest penis. He came out all sad and said, "Who the in the hell Michael Jackson?!"

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the rabbi what he should do. The rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do." The man does as he is to