You are a redneck if: Directions to your house include ''Turn off the paved road...''

You are a redneck if: You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.

You are a redneck if: you've ever had to towel dry after a fart.

You are a redneck if: you use a handful of creek mud as birth control.

Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work? A-Ihop

One day the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Oh, yeah," said the son. "So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father. The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they ha

I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?" Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him. It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.

Redneck Christmas Shopping You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago. 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. 7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy. 8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradli

What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town.

You may be a redneck if your burglar alarm is a vacuum cleaner plugged into a motion detector.

Today, if you meet someone from France, they will say, "Bonjour, Je suis de la France." This is what they would say if America knew France wasn't going to pay us back for helping them. "Hallo, bin ich von Frankreich."