It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." "But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

Just when you find something you really like, they stop making it.

...your screen door has no screen.

A gentleman came into work one day and he and I felt one of those instant and mutual attractions to one another. He gave me his card and told me to call him. Well, it just so happened that his card had his home address on it, so I thought I would just check out his place to scope out the merchandise, so to speak. Driving down his street, I slowed down to a near-crawl and hung my head out the window, looking for his house number. The house number proved to be irrelevant, though, when I looked up and saw him standing on his porch, waving at me! There I was with my head hanging out and my mouth wide open, looking like some kind of stalker! Needless to say, I did not wave back to him (I floored

Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years? They heard that someone dropped a quarter

A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward." The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?" The wealthy man continues, "This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it." The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Your Honour, I trust you believe me." The Judge says, "Of course." Th

A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says, "Sir, you're new, and when you're new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile's sore tooth, then you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can't come to this bar again!" The newcomers says, "That's ridiculous!" and leaves the bar. A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard. After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, cries of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised. Then he goes up to the manager and says, "Okay, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences

In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!

After performing a marriage the rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds: "The first ten years are always the hardest," said the rabbi. "How many years have you been married?" they asked. "Ten years," the rabbi replied.

A minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, "Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people — running, playing, talking, sitting — doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up." The rabbi said, "Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up." "And how did the people behave?" asked the minister. "What people?"

Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining (When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.) Mean Girl #1: "Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet." Mean Girl #2: "Are you kidding? She's never been on a diet in her life!" (The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.) Girl #3: *taken aback* "I...I worked out today. I need the protein." Me: "Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!" Mean Girl #1: "Yeah, I guess you don't have to worry about what you eat if you're already fat and ugly!" (One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls u