(to be read aloud) 'Twas in a restaurant they met Romeo and Juliet But Romeo couldn't pay the bill So Romee-owed what Julie ate ("ett").

This joke may seem racist to some. I just wanted to warn you of this before you read it. Sally - Where does a baby go after he or she has passed away? Joe - I don't know. Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven? Joe - I don't know. Sally - Wings. What is the baby called? Joe - I don't know. Sally - An Angel. Where does a black baby go after he or she has passed away? Joe - I don't know. Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven? Joe - I don't know. Sally - Wings. What is the baby called? Joe - A bat!

Q: How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of lightbulbs. ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What, me move? ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. (C'mon, don't tell me you didn't see that coming!) ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but he has to bring his mother. ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A dozen; one to change the lightbulb, and eleven to applaud

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.

A brunette on a river bank sees a blonde on the far shore and yells to her: "How do I get to the other side of the river?" And the blonde yells back "You're ON the other side."

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness "Let me ask your opinion, nurse..." "Has anyone ever seen one of THESE?" "What do you mean, "It's upside down"?" "This is what happens when cousins marry." "You think we can sew it back on?" "Is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?" "What does the AMA know; I still think I can do it." "Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night." "Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?" "They never let us practice on REAL people in Med school." "Don't worry, he'll never know; he's out."

Did You Know .... Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'." Customer: "Click 'OK'?" Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'." Customer: "Click 'OK'?" Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'." Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?" Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'." Pause. Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'." Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???" Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?" Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'." Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'." Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'." Customer: "Oh." Tech Support: "Now we have to start over." Customer: "Why?" Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'." Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?" Tech Support:

Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the pe

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."