Popular Jokes
Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of do
If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish...
He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
1. You've named that purple elephant that follows you everywhere.
2. Vision Imparment goggles don't change anything.
3. You earn $30 by counting your money again.
4. You use your beer belly as a coffee table.
5. You fly home every night.
6. Your wife keeps telling you not to light the house on fire but you don't listen. What does she know anyway?
7. Your house is fire proofed but you still manage to burn it to the ground.
8. You have a second, third anniversary.
9. The dog is drunk to.
10. No one you see can stop moving.
11. You offer the police officer that pulls you over a cold one.
12. The officer asks you about the vehicle you're pulling, you reply with "whats wrong with towing a boat?"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!
Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"
The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know ho
A gazelle goes out for her usual afternoon walk. About an hour later, she realizes that she is lost out in the open. Unskilled in the ways of the real world, she asks a cheetah, "Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is?" With a grin, the cheetah said, "It's lunchtime."
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...
* Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
* She refuses to let you milk her, saying, "Not on the first date."
* Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of her ears.
* Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
* Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
* Your cow demands to be branded with the "Golden Arches" logo.
* Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
* Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
* Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
* She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
* Your cow joins the He
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day, and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more wor
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