"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -Jane Wagner

What do you call a smart blond? An Endangered species

Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it. 2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else a

"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never n

What's the difference between a blonde and the internet? Not everyone has been on the internet!

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned. "What happened, my child?" "I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye." "Okay; how did you get the other black eye?" "Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back."

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"

The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls. One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for... Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!

Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said "Why did you trip me?" And the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said "I wanted to see a flying saucer!"