A girl named Zoey goes up to an artist and asks him to paint a picture of her face. "But Miss Zoey, if I paint a picture of your face then I can never be an artist again." "Why?" she asked. "Because if I look at your face too long, I will go blind."

Mary took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Mary to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone." "I'm not really surprised," Mary replied, "Bernie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

Race is just a pigment of the imagination.

Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis? She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!

What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? insert bill here!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another be

A wealthy Australian man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company. One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poop now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halt

"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -Jane Wagner

What is Mary short for? For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.