Rising gas prices have caused the following event: The wife comes home and says, "It's been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight." The husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station.

Ther was a blind man walking along with his guide dog when he came to a road. The dog stopped for a second and then carried on into the thick of the traffic. The man was almost hit several times but he managed to get to the other side unharmed. When he got to the other side he took a treat for his dog out of his bag as a reward. A man driving by saw this and stopped and asked the man, "Why the hell are you rewarding your dog if he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "Because I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuf

yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like he'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then

What do elephants always bring on holiday? A trunk.

Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon: a Patriots fan, a Falcons fan, an Eagles fan, and a Steelers fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Patriots fan proclaimed to the other three... "This is for the New England Patriots!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice. Not to be outdone by a Patriots fan, the Falcons fan jumped up and said... "This is for the Atlanta Falcons!" and then threw himself off the mountain, again as a form of sacrifice. Refusing to be outdone by the Patriots and Falcons fans, the Steelers fan rose to his feet and yel

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey? George W. Bush

What's grosser than gross? When you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away.

Two friends were talking. The first one said to the other, "Hey, have you seen the movie, "Constipated" yet?" The other replied, "Of course not! It hasn't come out yet."

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst i