Popular Jokes
"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man, wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street, into a damp dark alley. I followed.
"What are you selling?" I asked.
"Geometrical algebra drugs."
"Huh!?"
"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."
"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."
"Go on..."
"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.
"What are those, then?" I as
Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812?
A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.
Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying?
"A penny saved is a penny earned."
Who cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, "A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Why? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away?
"Ignorance is bliss."
I though bliss was a GOOD thing...
"Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
But you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS.
"Ask no questions and hear no lies."
But what if they tell th
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Moo, moo, who.
Moo, moo, who, who?
Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person sho
How many men does it take to find anything?
Zero.
They have to ask a woman 1st and then after she tells them exactly where it is for the umpteenth time & they still can't find it.....
The now exasperated woman goes & gets it for them in the exact place she has told them it was.
Duh!!!
Unpublished Children's Books
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins,
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
Cowboy: "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, and I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.
Then she gets on the bed
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