One dog said to her pups, "Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though."

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

A job seeker was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him, "Tell me what is your greatest strength?" The prospective employee said, "Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my honest answer?" The interviewer says, "Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff." The job seeker says, "Sir, my greatest strength is my wife." The interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job. So with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with the last question, "Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?" The guy felt encourage

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I

Why is it better to be killed by a shark than by a lawyer? Answer: The shark would be brief.

You are a redneck if: You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.

You are a redneck if: you've ever had to towel dry after a fart.

You are a redneck if: you use a handful of creek mud as birth control.

You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this: "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ....." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior citizen said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are *you* doing for th

Knock-knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes me, who's you? (This is me, who's you.)

Two turds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, "man, you smell like shit".