You are a redneck if: you've ever killed someone over a "kick me" sign.

The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."

A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this: "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ....." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior citizen said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are *you* doing for th

Two turds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, "man, you smell like shit".

Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!

A guy was smoking a cigarette. Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?" The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains 20 cigarettes. He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes".

Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."

Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears? Can a unborn baby fart or burp? If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count? If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness? Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats? Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast? What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question? Is it possible to be allergic to water? Wh

Q> Why did Pepsi hire Michael Jackson to do commercials again? A> Because they wanted someone to suck that little boy back out of the bottle.

"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. "All I got were two orders." "What were they? Anything good?" "Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"

They have finally started practicing safe sex in Scotland... They now paint red X's on the sheep that kick

You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned.