There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, "Is that enough proof for you?" They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, "SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!" She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, "Well, it's still three to two."

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing." "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy

I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.

3 blondes caught a goldfish, and the fish said if they let her go she will grant them one wish each. The first blonde said: "I want to be smart." The second said: "I want to be smarter than her," and the third said: "I want to be the smartest." In the morning they woke up and the first blonde turned into a brunette, second black and the third one had become a man.

A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck. "Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?" St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."

A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted. During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it. When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window. However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get

President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, "Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face." "Yes, sir," one of the girls said. "Then why is it," he continued, "that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run to my feet?" "Because your feet aren't empty," replied a boy in the back of the room.

A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. "Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?" "Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?" "I couldn't play it before."

TEACHER: Why are you late? L-JOHNY: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? L-JOHNY: "School Ahead, Go Slow." TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? L-JOHNY: Yesterday you only said it's H to O!!!! TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" L-JOHNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE! I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.