Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie, the bartender, "Where's Beverly, the waitress?" "She's dead," replied the bartender. "Dead?" asked Bill. "She died from herpes," said the bartender. Bill replied, "You don't die from herpes." "You do if you give it to Big Louie!" said the bartender.

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did. Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did. Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.'' The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.''

Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

Yo mama is so dumb she brought toilet paper to a craps game.

What is a blonde's mating call? NEXT!!!!!!!!

Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.

The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'' So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back door, he was suprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was

I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.

Three little boys went into a candy store. "I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth, but he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy. "What will you have?" he asked. "I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy. "You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man. "No, sir," answered the third boy, so the man climbed down and put away

A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Billy to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Billy did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Billy. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Billy some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!!!"

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."