There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."

A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted. During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it. When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window. However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get

The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago. So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"

A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations!" The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"

George Bush senior and junior were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too. "Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, "but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way, then the antlers won't drag on the ground." After the other hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later, George junior said to George senior, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah," said George senior, "but we're getting farther from the truck."

Knock knock. Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin town and thought I'd say hello.

Knock-Knock! Who's there? Pencil. Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.

Ther was a blind man walking along with his guide dog when he came to a road. The dog stopped for a second and then carried on into the thick of the traffic. The man was almost hit several times but he managed to get to the other side unharmed. When he got to the other side he took a treat for his dog out of his bag as a reward. A man driving by saw this and stopped and asked the man, "Why the hell are you rewarding your dog if he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "Because I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

Q: What do you call it, when a bison gets a loan? A: A Buffa-loan!

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said "You must be an expert!" The man replied, "No sir I'm just a tax collector."

Rules For Chocolate =================================== If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,

Definitions For Parents ----------------------------------------------------------- DUMB WAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our childr