Popular Jokes
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years; and then they could only say two words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His two words were "too cold".
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his two words were "bad food".
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his two words were "I quit".
"Good," they said, "all you have done is complain."
Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name "Mydixadrill."
Now when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D."Fractured English.")
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- I will be happy to go into her GI system
There once was this kid named Oddy,
He always missed the Potty,
He went some poops,
and shouted out oops,
Because Oddy Missed the Potty
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
the cat did a piddle,
all over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed
to see such fun
then died of electric shock.
These great questions and answers are from the "Hollywood Squares" game show. Responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems like it sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a part
A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something
better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snar
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