Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

A man was taking a walk around town one day and he passed a sign saying 'Talking dog for sale $5'. He thought it was a scam, but he went to see what was up anyway. When he got to the porch a dog came up to him. Deciding to be a smart aleck, he asked the dog if it could talk. The dog said, "Yes, I can. I am the one mentioned in the sign. You can go inside and talk to my owner if you want to buy me." The man asked, "How come you can talk?" The dog answered, "I was a secret CIA experiment. They altered my genes and I used to be a covert agent. I led to many gang busts and stopped a lot of assassination attempts. Once they learned I told my owner about the cases, they kicked me out and now

Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married." Fruit: "I'm sorry." Vegetable: "We could secretly get married." Fruit: "No, we couldn't." Vegetable: "Why?" Fruit: "Because we can't elope." Can't elope = cantelope

A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?" "I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger." "No, a sensible person would pull the plug."

One day there is a well-educated man sitting in a redneck bar reading a book. A Redneck happens to wander over to him and asks, "Whatcha there reading Mister?" The educated man replies, "It's a book about logic". Confused, the redneck replies "Logic? What's logic?" The educated man explains to the man, "Logic is the ability to come to a conclusion knowing only one fact. For example, do you own a weed whacker?" The Redneck shouts, "Hell yeah I own a weed whacker!" So the educated man continues, "Well, if you have a weed whacker, and I know you have a weed whacker, I know you have a lawn. If I know you have a lawn I know you have a house. If you have a house, demographically speaking I ca

One dog said to her pups, "Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though."

Knock Knock Who's there? Candy Candy who? Candy have some sweets? Please!

What's the difference between an ice-cream? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A motorcycle, it has no wheels. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Hehe, you should have seen your face!!!

Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be.

You might be a redneck if when someone says: "Do you have any duct tape?" And you say: "I don't have any ducks on tapes but I've got some on my wall."

BE SURE THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM. One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a showoff refusing to

At the beginning of term, we were supposed to portray what we learned during holidays by acting in a play for the school. Here I was known as the best actress in class so I was given the role of a secondary student who goes out with a rich man's reckless son. During the rehearsals, everything went perfect until the real day on stage. Acting pregnant with clothes stuffed in my dress, I begged the rich man's son not to leave me in such a condition when suddenly my BABY fell out of the TUMMY... I was so embarrassed as the whole school burst out laughing hysterically. But with talent, I knelt down n cried that silence fell upon their heads thinking it was part of the play... I was still vot