10. Hey! Now there's a gift! 9. Well, well, well... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. 1. I really don't deserve this

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he pa

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drove off. The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in. Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then left. The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a lad

A couple were at the beach watching a volleyball game when they notice a pair of adults nearby kissing passionately, the woman running her hands down the man's arms, massaging erotically while nibbling on his ear. The couple was intrigued yet they don't want to miss the exciting match so the girl asked her boyfriend if she should watch the match or them. The guy replied, "Watch them. You already know how to play volleyball."

One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?" I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is

On Halloween, a taxi-driver saw a nun standing at the side of the road. He pulled over, and asked if he could help her. The nun said she needed to get to the mission. The taxi-driver said "I'll give you a ride for free tonight, because you don't know what kind of crazy people are running around." The nun agreed, thanked him, and they drove off. When they were about half-way there, the taxi-driver said to the nun "You know sister, I've always had this fanasy about being kissed by a nun." The nun said "Well, you've been so kind to me, I could do that, but only on three conditions. You have to be Catholic, single, and it can't be in public." The taxi-driver thought about this for a minute, then

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church members, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." The Pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence; everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at ea

Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name "Mydixadrill." Now when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.

#1 rule of a redneck- If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.