Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!

Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods? Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...

Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.

A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.

A man had just got his car stuck in a mudhole during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car. The farmer yells, "Pull, Sandy!" The horse just stands there. The farmer yells, "Come on now, pull Twister!" The horse once again just stands there. Finally the farmer yells, "Ok dangit, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!" Finally the horse springs forward and with all the strength he has he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose.

Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door!

A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it. The little boy calls out, "My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one." The handyman says, "Yeah, that's great, kid", and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder. The little boy calls out again, "My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one." The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go

What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement

Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps. As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest. He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress. The husband, noticing the apes excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape. The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slip down. Sh

Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle". Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".