Popular Jokes
Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of
waterskis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I
should have been more specific."
-Jane Wagner
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink."
The first man went down yelling, ''Beeeerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
An oil company was drilling test pits on the West coast of Newfoundland and never found anything so instead of filling the hole up they got a clever idea to cover the hole with an outhouse.
So a week after, a Newfoundlander came across it in the woods and decided to use it. The next day another fella came and found him dead on the toilet.
The police open an investigation to try and find out what happened to him. They asked his wife if there was anything wrong with him or if he was acting strange that day. His wife replied, " My husband was in perfect shape, the only thing strange about him is that he holds his breath until he hears a splash."
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, wh
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life.
A male has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need
If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady.
If a woman became president, what would you call her husband?
Whipped.
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this
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