Popular Jokes
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk."
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, "Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah."
Sarah said, "Cows have spots."
Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport."
Carla said, "Computers are electronic."
Bobby said, "Urinate."
Mrs. Flebs said, "Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence."
Bobby said, "Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."
Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: "SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES".
One day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's, to which she replied: "Yes, how did you know?".
He replied "HICKORY DICKORY DOC!"
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Also...
11. If you built it, I get to knock it down.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes."
"What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
"I just can't see myself coming into work today."
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, a golden rat interested him and he went to purchase it.
"That'll be $20 for the rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the shop owner.
"Thanks, but I'll just take the rat for $20 and leave the story". He bought the golden rat and left the store. While walking down the street, he saw all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, even more rats came. He went down to the docks and still more rats ran out and followed him. So he walked out into the water, and all the rats drowned. He returned to the curio store soon after.
"Sooo," said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, I thought so!"
"No
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