Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.

Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle.

Two guys own a zoo. To their angst their lone female gorilla goes into heat. Knowing she will be violent if not looked after they take her to a vet for advice. He says she needs to be bred by a male gorilla. Knowing they can't find a male they weigh their options. One says to the other, hey that guy that cleans the cages is kind of crazy, maybe he'll do it. They ask him if he'd do it for $500. He asks for some time to think about it. The next day he comes back to the guys and says he'll do it on three conditions. 1) No commitments, once it's done it's over. 2) If there is any kids I'm not responsible. The two say O.K. no problem, what's your third condition? Well h

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males) 1. Elementary map reading 2. Crying and law enforcement 3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR 4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours 5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast. 6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.") 7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions 8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights 9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed 10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water 11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament 12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love y

The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a l lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selecti

A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls. One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for... Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do wit

One day a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were hiking when they came across a cliff. There was no bridge and they couldn't think of anyother way to get across so they decided to turn around and go back. Just then a magical fairy appeared and said that they could turn into anything they wanted to help them get across the cliff, all they had to do was run, jump, and say the name of it. The brunette ran and jumped and yelled out, "Eagle," and she soared across the cliff. The redhead ran and jumped then yelled, "Hawk," and flew across to the other side. Then it was the blonde's turn she ran and jumped. When she was in mid air, she forgot what she was going to say and yelled "O crap!"....

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So then why is the groom wearing black?"

Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly.