Popular Jokes
My brother, Julian, is a little simple. I recently asked him to buy me some ribbon for my daughter's pretty pink bonnet. He went to the haberdashery shop for the required length but accidentally interchanged the feet and inches. When I measured the resulting ribbon I only had 30% of the length I required. How much ribbon did I originally ask for?
I asked for 9 foot 2 inches (110 inches) and my brother brought me 2 foot 9 inches (33 inches).
Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years?
They heard that someone dropped a quarter
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but try to get it right!"
Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tel
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)
Me: "Can I help you?"
Customer: "Gimme all the f***ing medicine!"
(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)
Me: "The pharmacy is in the back of the store."
Customer: "Oh...okay."
(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)
Manager: "Who was that?"
Me: "Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy."
Manager: "Why didn't you call the police?"
(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year ol
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays
at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use
large double doors at the side entrance.
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of
the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" asks the puzzled manager.
"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it
praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle?
Arguing about who get a window seat.
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