Popular Jokes
Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I wi
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Government."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv ca
1. On a mall child's cart bag
Do not put child in bag (Who does?)
2. On food court restaurant counters
Warning: Touching hot surfaces may burn you (Wanna try?)
3a. Bush on war in Iraq
"We're not going to have any casualties." (Where are we now, huh?)
3b. Bush's description of the White House
"It is white." (WOW! Who knew???)
3c. Our future
"The future will look better tommorow." (That settles it, we're all gonna die.)
A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"
1. Look before you leap
He who hesitates is lost
2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
Don't beat your head against a brick wall
3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Out of sight, out of mind
4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today
Don't cross the bridge until you come to it
5. Two heads are better than one
Paddle your own canoe
6. More haste less speed
Time waits for no man
7. You're never too old to learn
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
8. A word to the wise is sufficient
Talk is cheap
9. It's better to be safe than sorry
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
11. Do unto others as
A young boy called to his mother from the yard, "Mom, would you rather me fall out of a tree and break my arm or just tear a hole in my Sunday slacks?" "Well," she replied, "I guess I'd pray that you just ripped your pants." The kid yells back, "Your prayers have been answered!"
Home
