A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate? It might give you a pork chop!

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl." The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, hon, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And what happened to my present?" "What present?" she asked "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she said. "Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!"

A plain computer illeterate SARDAR rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? Sardaar: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. Sardaar: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. Sardaar: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the Sardaar is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command

Joe: What are you doing? John: Taxes. Joe: Why? John: Because I have to...... Joe: That's stupid. I did mine over a year ago.

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of mus

Knock-knock.. Who's there? Panther.... Panther who? Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright." This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?" The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper. Back in the living room, a note read: Dear Honey, I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back. After reading the note, he calls her. "Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?" "Uhh, that's a funny story." She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in. "Austin! Where is my wife?" "Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the

A Welsh girl called Gwyneth visited Japan recently. There, people had problems pronouncing her name so she became Gwyniss. Everywhere she went, she was greeted with tremendous respect. At a farewell reception, her host said, "We've been so excited to have a famous author in our midst." "What am I supposed to have written?" she asked, baffled. "Why, The Gwyniss Book of Records."

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

What really does happen to MS programmers once they die? Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell. The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing