You are a redneck if: You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.

You are a redneck if: you've ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper.

You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

1. knock knock, who's there? Ima, Ima who? Ima hungry can we eat yet? 2. knock knock, who's there? peas, peas who? peas can we start know 3. knock knock, who's there? phil, phil who? phil my cup up with water please

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A mom, Bri, and a son, Jorge, were eating dinner at the dinner table. Jorge pushes his plate away and says, "I'm done." Bri glances at Jorge's plate and notices he still has a pile of peas on it, "No you don't. Not untill you eat all of your food." "I don't like peas." "They are not peas they are green M&M's but the trick is you can't taste the candy untill you swallow them." Jorge gets excited and sticks a spoon full of peas in his mouth. Then he grabs his glass of milk and takes a drink. Jorge says, "your right mom they do taste like M&M's. Why don't you try?" "Who do you think you're kidding?," replies Bri and gives Jorge a sly look. "Who do YOU think you're kidding?," Jorg

Knock,knock! Who's there? King! King who? King Kong is now part of China.

-Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!

Holiday Banana Bread: Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms. 2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger. 4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed. 5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done! 6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl." NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

Automobile Tool Definitions Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools

1. Look before you leap He who hesitates is lost 2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again Don't beat your head against a brick wall 3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder Out of sight, out of mind 4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today Don't cross the bridge until you come to it 5. Two heads are better than one Paddle your own canoe 6. More haste less speed Time waits for no man 7. You're never too old to learn You can't teach an old dog new tricks 8. A word to the wise is sufficient Talk is cheap 9. It's better to be safe than sorry Nothing ventured, nothing gained 10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth Beware of Greeks bearing gifts 11. Do unto others as

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"