Two friends were talking. The first one said to the other, "Hey, have you seen the movie, "Constipated" yet?" The other replied, "Of course not! It hasn't come out yet."

The football players were doing very well in their games, but when it came to academics, they were failing. So the administrater of the school, who desired all of his students to graduate, talked to the coach of the football team and said, "Coach, if ONE of your football players can answer a single math problem, I will not get rid of the football team, but if he gets it wrong, I'm afraid I will have to throw out the team. When the team was gathered up and a player was selected to answer the problem, the administrator asked him, "Okay, what is 3 + 4?" The football player thought and thought and thought and thought. After five hours and multiple countings on his fingers, the player said, "

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... You

What's a ghost's least favorite room in a house? -The living room

Knock Knock. Whos there? Deaf person. Deaf person who? Sorry, can't hear you.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)

I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!

May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

How do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.

Here are some things learned in MY lifetime: 1) If you want something very bad and your parents won't let you, give them a lower lip, blink your eyes really fast, and say please 3,000 times until they crack. 2) NEVER ask your dad about Shakespeare or Math homework, unless you want a 5 hour lecture. 3) NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS unless if they have free candy and aren't Michael Jackson. 4) If anyone bullies you, just laugh and think, "MAN!, I can't wait for them to be dead." 5) If you do succeed in something, dont brag, just gloat. 6) When things look bad, give them to the homeless. 7) When you're in a fist fight, ALWAYS KNEE THEM IN THE FAMILY JEWELS then run away until it's De

Q> Why did Pepsi hire Michael Jackson to do commercials again? A> Because they wanted someone to suck that little boy back out of the bottle.

Ryan's teeth were so yellow that when he walked outside, the sun said give me my butter.