A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."

Saddam and an American were in the bathroom peeing in the urinals. When the American was done, he was going to leave without washing his hands. Saddam said, "You know, I learned to wash my hands." The American replied, "Well, I learned not to pee on my hands."

Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story: That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I u

9. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 8. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live unde

Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies? A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.

Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane looking out the door. George Washington says, " I'm going to make somebody happy" then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, "I'm going to make two people happy" then throws 2 $20's out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says "I'm going to make everybody happy" and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once." "We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice." "You know, that mule h

If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady. If a woman became president, what would you call her husband? Whipped.

Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue is in jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardware store. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe that shit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she

Let's get off moms, 'cause I just got off yours. Let's get off moms, 'cause she can't handle those five men on her now. I ain't got nuthin' bad to say 'bout Yo mama, 'cause her face says it all! I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about Yo mama, 'cause I don't even know the man. Hey keep my mom out of this and I'll keep this out of Yo mama! If I wanted any lip from you I'd jiggle my zipper. If I wanted a comeback, I'd just wipe it off Yo mama's chin. Hey, if I wanted a comeback, I'd wipe off your chin. Nice comeback muthafucka, you can scrape that off Yo chin and use it again! Hey I don't have a mom, me and my dad just use yours! Hey, I got nothing to say about Yo Mama 'cause she's

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."