You don't have any luck at all if: -The guarantee on your used car expires two hours before the car's engine does. - You start to go bald at the same time you reach puberty. -You get your BIG break and make the football team only to trip over the bench and break your leg. -You find a ten-dollar bill and get arrested when you try to spend it because it's counterfeit.

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

I slide to first. I feel like I'm going to burst. Diarrhea, diarrhea. I slide to two. My pants are filled with goo. Diarrhea, diarrhea. I slide to third. I dropped a runny turd. Diarrhea, diarrhea. I slide to home. My pants are filled with foam. Diarrhea, diarrhea. First its in the pants, then its on the floor. I make a 20 yard dash to the bathroom door. Some people think its funny. Its coming out back runny. Well, diarrhea.

You Just Might Be A Redneck If... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Browns nor the Steelers made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold freezing day on Lake Erie they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers had 100. At the end of the 2nd day the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers 200. That evening the Browns coach

The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle!

Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

Why did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink? Cause he was half cracked.

PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough." DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled." PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?" DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."

Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married." Fruit: "I'm sorry." Vegetable: "We could secretly get married." Fruit: "No, we couldn't." Vegetable: "Why?" Fruit: "Because we can't elope." Can't elope = cantelope

ok, If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

An old country boy pulls up to a bait shop with a stringer full of fish. A man, noticing the stringer, asks him where he caught all the fish. He said he was going fishing again, tomorrow, and if the guy wanted to come with him he'd show him where he caught the fish. The next morning the two men meet at the bait shop and head out for the lake. They row out to the middle of the water and the good ole boy pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it in the water. All kinds of fish float to the surface and he starts pulling them in the boat. His buddy is shocked! He says, "You know, what you're doing is not only improper but highly illegal. I just want you to know you could rece