When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

During the church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob." The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here - you shouldn't put all of you

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

I shall seek and find you, I shall take you to bed and have my way with you, I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. You will be weak for days. You have been warned, my love, by... THE FLU!! Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.

Little Leroy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." At that moment, his mother came in and heard that he was cursing. "Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?" Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?" He replied, "Yes." The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math." The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. "Sorry about the mix up" says the Pope. "No problem," replies Clinton. "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." Clinton asks, "Why's that?

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. The researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.

Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." 2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." 3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." 4.In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" 5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." 6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." 7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." 8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." 9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully,