A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen. "Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me." Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room. "How did you do that?" asked the country mouse. "Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a second language."

An American supply teacher came to a Canadian class one day. She told the students that she was an American and she asked if anyone else in the room was an American. Even though not many people in the room were, everyone put up their hand not to be left out, except one girl. The teacher stared at the girl and asked "If you're not an American, then what are you?" The girl replied, "I'm a proud Canadian." The teacher asked "Why are you a Canadian?" The girl answered, "Because my parents are both Canadians." The teacher asked "What if both of your parents are stupid, then what will you be?" The girl answered, "Then I would be an American!"

Knock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. 6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

People from Mensa are said to understand any jokes without the need of any explaination. Meaning Mensans will be able to understand this joke here, though it is limpid that there aren't any to be contemplated.

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers: * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

As governor, Bush got to act ceremonially as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap, Bush pulled over a farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that kept buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some trouble with those circle flies there, are ya, sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. It is illegal to d

Three youngsters are having hot discussion, about whose father is the tallest one. The first one said, "My father is just like statue of Liberty. Your hat will fall off if you look at him" The second one does not want to loose the discussion. He added, "That's nothing! You can not see my father's hands, when he stands up and waves. They vanish in the clouds". The third one, a born winner in the discussion, confidently added, "Did your father's hands feel something, when he was waving in the clouds?" The second one replied confidently that he is going to win the discussion, "Why, certainly, he once told me his hands felt something up in the clouds and he tried to pull that." The third on

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.