There once was a set of twin alligators that grew up in the same bayou. One, however, was much larger and stronger than the other. One day the twins were sitting there talking, and trying to figure out why one was so much bigger - since they were the same age, had the same genes, and grew up in the same place. The bigger alligator asked his smaller brother where he had been feeding. The smaller said, "down in that parking lot at the end of the bayou, why?". The bigger said, "well, thats where I feed too, what's your technique?" The smaller then looked at him and said "well, I go over to one of those lawyers cars, and hide up under it, when he comes out, I grab him, shake the shit o

A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home. While the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl. The man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later. Confused the bartender asks what is so funny. The man replies, "My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!"

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. He soon learns that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions that focused on the gorilla, and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted. Every day, he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage, and be the gorilla. After a while, he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas. As time wore on, he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him. One particularly busy S

How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.

Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!

You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants. Someone yells "Hoe Down" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor. You use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home. Your family tree is a wreath. If your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not. Your father gave you this advice, "If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family." The last thing relatives say before they die is, "Hey Ya'll! Watch this!"

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.'' The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing. 6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. 5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same buil

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"