Time may fly, but does it have wings?

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.

You might be a redneck if... The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

What does the "95" in Windows95 mean anyway? 10. The number of floppies it will ship in. 9. The percentage of users who will have to upgrade their hardware. 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required. 7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual. 6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS. 5. The number of hours to install. 4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run. 3. The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade. 2. Meg of RAM required for the damn thing to run. 1. The year it was DUE to ship.

Peter decided to walk to the local waterfall, 10 miles away. At the moment he started, his dog ran off from his side and proceeded to the waterfall at a constant 8 miles per hour. As soon as the dog reached the waterfall, it started the return journey to Peter, keeping to the same speed. The dog continued this odd behaviour until Peter reached the waterfall. If Peter kept to a constant 4 miles per hour, how far did the dog run in total? 20 miles: Peter took 2.5 hours to reach the waterfall. The dog was always running at 8 miles per hour, therefore it ran 20 miles.

I was traveling from Chesterton to Newcastle recently when I came across a sign which had fallen off its post at the crossroads. It was marked to Newcastle, Chesterton, Knutton and Silverdale. Unfortunately I didn't know which road to take to Newcastle and had hoped the sign would help. Luckily, I had a great idea which helped me put the sign back up pointing correctly to Newcastle. What was my idea? I simply pointed Chesterton back the way I had come and this left the sign in its correct orientation.

There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50. The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!

Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process.

The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer. 1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You: a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don't make your eyes water. b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish. c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage. d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga

Yo momma is so fat that when she rolled offa the bed, she rolled off BOTH sides. Yo momma is so fat that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck. Yo momma's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. Yo momma's so fat that when she wears a red shirt all the kids go "koolaid! koolaid!" Yo momma's so fat that when I swerved to miss her, I ran outta gas. Yo momma's so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I had to stop and ask for directions. Yo momma has so many chins that she keeps a bookmark in her mouth so she can remember where to stuff the food. yo mama is so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch xD Yo moma's like a baby she sucks everything in sight Yo