Popular Jokes
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
One day a man and a woman were driving and they get into a terrible collision with each other. Both cars are wrecked beyond recognition, but they both crawl out of the wreckage unhurt.
The woman says, "In a terrible accident...both of us are alive and, well, this must be a sign from God!"
The man agrees.
The woman says, "Well, we should celebrate our lives...here, let's drink to our celebration." She reaches into her wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of champagne which miraculously was not broken or even cracked. The man takes a huge gulp of the wine and passes it to the woman who politely waves it away.
The man says, "Don't you want any? It was your idea."
The woman says, "No thank
3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven.
At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral.
The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer."
The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives."
The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on th
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, blondes usually screw in cars!
Sometimes advertisers get it all wrong. Here are some funny examples of advertising campaigns that ended up being entirely inappropriate.
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish,
where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron,
into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for
manure. Not too many people had a use for
the "manure stick".
3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
4. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation"
translated into "Pepsi brings your
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life.
A male has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need
Home
