Why did the cow cross the street? To get to the udder side!

There was a boy who never, ever lied. He always told people the truth and/or his opinion. Like when he broke a glass vase, he said that he broke it. He was rewarded a few days later for telling the truth, even though he was grounded. One day a lady asked him, "What do you think of my dress? It cost me thousands of dollars." The boy replied, "That is the most stupid dress I have ever seen in my life, and will haunt me in my afterlife! It's more terrible than a fifty-year old swine that was drowned in mud when it was three! I think you should go back to the garbage disposal and feed it to a goat!" He said all that truthfully. After he said that, the lady called 911 and he went to juvenile h

Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's raining!

Knock-knock? Who's there? Little Boy Blue! Little Boy Blue Who? Michael Jackson! If you don't get it, read the title. If you still don't get it, pm me. If you STILL DON'T GET IT, you're an asshole

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup. "Please, sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare seventy-three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?" The man asked, "Where do you get coffee and pie for seventy-three cents in New York? It costs at least a dollar!" The beggar replied, "So who buys retail?"

A minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, "Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people — running, playing, talking, sitting — doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up." The rabbi said, "Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up." "And how did the people behave?" asked the minister. "What people?"

The winter's passed, The summer's here. For this we thank Our party dear!

A Pokemon Trainer walks into a STD help center. The nurse there says "Sorry, but it looks like you've caught 'em all"

Man- "Jesus Christ! I can't open this hard drive." Jesus- "Use the torx, Luke."

Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you glad you got rid of all those grannies?

What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? The water bottle hit Justin Bieber first.

If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat