You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a birthday present out of a vending machine.

GOOD JOKE: A blonde. BETTER JOKE: A blonde playing chess. BEST JOKE: The blonde wins the game.

I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!

A man goes into a pet shop looking for an exotic pet. The owner tells the man, "we have iguanas...". The Man says, "No, I am looking for something really different. Everyone has iguanas, snakes, fish, and spiders!" The owner of the shop then tells the man that he has a talking centipede. The man gets excited; and says, "I'll take it!" On the way home, the man tries to make small talk with the centipede; but he gets no response. He just figures the thing is shy. Once they get home, the man has an idea; and asks the centipede if he wants to go to the bar with him. No response. He gets agitated and taps the centipede's box pretty hard. "I said; Do you want to go to the bar with me?!?!" Aft

Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the pe

One day, someone phoned Central Manhattan Office. Caller: Good afternoon. I'm John Smith. Operator: GOOD AFTERNOON! CAN I HELP YOU? Caller: Who are you? Why are you so rude? Operator: WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? Caller: I am looking for my sister, Gabrielle Smith. She works here, right? Operator: SHE IS IN THE TOILET! Caller: Okay. Now I want to know who you are. Why are you so rude? Operator: I'M SAW LEE! Caller: Oh, you should be sorry because you are so rude! Then the caller hung up the phone. *Try to pronounce "SAW LEE". It sounds like "SORRY", right?

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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One day, two children are bickering on the playground. Kid 1: My mom says that kids who get whatever they want are spoiled and rotten and stuck-up. Kid 2: Well, I'm not spoiled. Kid 1: Yeah, you are, you get everything you want. Kid 2: I don't get everything I want. Kid 1: Yeah, you do. Kid 2: No, I don't, because I "want" you to shut-up!

There was a boy who never, ever lied. He always told people the truth and/or his opinion. Like when he broke a glass vase, he said that he broke it. He was rewarded a few days later for telling the truth, even though he was grounded. One day a lady asked him, "What do you think of my dress? It cost me thousands of dollars." The boy replied, "That is the most stupid dress I have ever seen in my life, and will haunt me in my afterlife! It's more terrible than a fifty-year old swine that was drowned in mud when it was three! I think you should go back to the garbage disposal and feed it to a goat!" He said all that truthfully. After he said that, the lady called 911 and he went to juvenile h

A guy in sitting in a bar hving a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. The guy's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, "If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! In frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!" the alien smiles and sticks his finger in