Dept. of the Army Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft Commencing January 1920 1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly. 2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking. 3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around. 4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air. 5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls. 6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles. 7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited. 8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of

Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be.

"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?" "Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?" "Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"

Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists: 1. The season opened today 2. There is no limit 3. They taste just like chicken 4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK

You are a redneck if: Directions to your house include ''Turn off the paved road...''

The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."

A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.

You're a.. January- talented February- lowlife March- immature April- wild May- exciting June- weird July- selfish August- hot September- scary October- messed up November- cool December-sexy Now pick the color shirt you have on Pink- cupcake sales person Blue- hooker Red- bartender Green- Celebrity Purple- Mc Donalds worker White- slut Yellow- taxi driver Black- chef Orange- homeless Gray- stripper No shirt- millionare Other- toe nail clipper LAST...the day you were born 1- that loves food 2- that hates kids 3- that needs attention 4- that is a murderer 5- who sucks at reading 6- who strips to pay for bills 7- who kills kids 8- who goes to dunkin donuts everyday 9- that loves laguna

What can a picnic table do that a musician can't do? Support a family of six!

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit; she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils, and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together, and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 73 year-old Texas rancher, whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'" Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up