Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle? Arguing about who get a window seat.

Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After hertalk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Billy," the lad replies. "And what is your question, Billy?" asks the Senator. I actually have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second -why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were w

A man is flying on a very expensive airline in first class when the sudden urge to relieve himself overwhelms him. He runs to the bathroom to find its occupied. He bangs and bangs on the door but no one comes out. The flight attendant notices the man is in distress so she tries to help him. She takes him to a bathroom exclusively for the supermodels who frequently fly on this airline. She lets him use it very quickly but warns him to not, under any circumstance, press any of the 3 buttons next to the toilet. The man gets into the bathroom and automatically sees the buttons. They're labeled WW, WA, and ATR. The man sits down on the toilet and immediately relieves himself. While sitting down

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk." 9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 8. The cat is on Valium. 7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. 5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse". The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." "I will connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back a

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "

Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."