Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)

You have the right to remain silent. Exercise it.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

You're a redneck if: The only thing you swing a bat at is a mailbox.

Q: How many polititians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 6 Clinton to start the screwing enitiative, Nixon to steal public tax money to campain for the support of the light bulb initiative, Jimmy Carter to bore people to death about the campain Reagan to reasure the American public that it is necesary and ok to change the light bulb Bush jr. to make a mess of the initiative........ .........and Hillary to come smack the s#%@ out of her husband for screwing around!!!

FROM A FARM KID AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT. Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak o

Knock-Knock Who's there Icee Icee who I see you in there now let me in!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L." TEACHER: No, that's wrong. JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

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At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, Someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. This hot selling bumper sticker comes from the great state of New York! "RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels. For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed. Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi. Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."