I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!

Yo momma's so fat, when she tried to hijack a plane she couldn't fit through the door. Yo momma's so stupid that when she tried to hijack a plane, she killed the driver, put it on auto pilot, and let it fly her straight into an army camp. The soldiers on the plane were laughing their testicles off.

"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride,

You're as bright as a broken lightbulb!

Knock, knock. Who's there? Esther. Esther who? The Esther Bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Stella. Stella who? Stella nother Esther Bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Samoa. Samoa who? Samoa Esther Bunnies. Knock, knock. Who's there? Consumption. Consumption who? Consumption be done about all these Esther Bunnies? Knock, knock. Who's there? Esther. Esther who? Esther anyone else as sick of this joke as I am?

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I slowly took a long drink from my can of Old Milwaukee Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Oakley sunglasses and looked at this nosy ass neighbor and replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

Once there was a man named John Odd. He hated his last name. Since he was little people would make fun of him calling him "the odd man out." He grew older and fell in love with a girl named Julie. They soon got married and people immediately started calling them "the odd couple." John was enraged by this. He decided that he should have a talk with his wife. "I hate my last name! My whole life people have made fun of it. Just recently I realized that people that don't even know me are going to see my tombstone in a grave yard and laugh about it! I want you to promise me that when I die you'll leave my tombstone blank. I want to have more respect than that." "Okay honey. Whatever you want

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a very tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts he can't stop looking at her thighs. To his delight he discovers that she is wearing no underwear. The blonde suddenly notices that he is looking and asks, "Are you looking at my p*ssy?" "Yes, I am so sorry! I just couldn't help myself. I will stop right away." After a while he starts to look again. "Are you looking again?" the blonde asks. "I am so sorry, I just can't stop!" he says. "Oh, it's okay. It's quite talented, watch!" the blonde says. As the man is watching it blows a kiss at him! "What else can it do?" he asks. "It can also wink at you," she says. The man stares in

A group of young children was sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davy, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo." "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "Errr..it goes.. click!"