A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde. "I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking." "What does it say about me?" asked the blonde. "It says you want to sleep with me," said the man. "Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken." "Hmmm," said the man, slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."

Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down. It's called "The History of Glue"!

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt. Just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?" Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel."

17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look l

Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday.

On the eve of the First Boer War, thousands of blondes lined the streets campaigning for animal rights. 'If it's illegal for human women, it's gotta be the same for swine,' said one activist.

The word 'function' should never function as a verb.

Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"

A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.

Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."