Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down. It's called "The History of Glue"!

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya? But I just brushed my teeth . . . Smile, you're on Candid Camera! Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . . Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? You're almost as good as my ex! Now I know why he/she dumped you . . . What are you planning to make

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but try to get it right!" Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tel

There was a really dramatic woman and a small man. The small man worked at a ballroom. The woman got dressed up all fancy and went to the ballroom. She went up to the man and said, "I hope there is something between us! And the little man said, "Me too! A continent!"

Yo momma is so stupid, that she made a crack on the sidewalk and tried to smoke it!

Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"

I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.

Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

How do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.