Popular Jokes
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a birthday present out of a vending machine.
I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.
Two prostitutes moved to a new town, and on their first Sunday, went to church.
One of the girls was quite proud of her singing; the other felt she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, so was quiet.
After one desultory hymn, the priest berated the congregation, "Quite clearly, there are some who are singing, and some who are not. Can we please have a more concerted effort for the other hymns?"
One whisper to her friend, "My word, how did he know about us so quickly?"
I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery.
I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!
There once was a college professor who didn't buy into the whole "there's no such thing as a stupid question" philosophy. Every year when he had a new class he instructed the students to ask him as many stupid questions as they could think of on the first day. That way, he figured, there'd be a minimized amount of stupidity for the duration of the term.
The professor thought he'd heard every stupid question there was and didn't laugh no matter what his students asked him, not even a smirk. Then, finally, a student asked something that he'd never heard before. The question made him laugh so hard he couldn't stand up. A lanky, tomboyish girl raised her hand with a wry smile on her face, stood
Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food.
"Anything you break comes out of your allowance money!" shouted Johnny's mother.
Johnny turned around and said "But you don't give me any allowance money!"
"Yes, and now you know why."
Jerry, a college freshman, was sitting in his English class. His teacher noticed that he wasn't paying attention, so asked to see him after class. Jerry went up to the teacher's desk, and waited while the teacher was talking to a attractive freshman girl. When he was done, he said, "Jerry, why weren't you paying attention in my class?" "I was staring at the hot babe you were just talking to," Jerry said.
"But don't get any ideas," Jerry said, "you're way to old for her."
"Oh, really?" the teacher said. "Yeah, you're old enough to be her father!" said Jerry.
"This talk is over!" said the teacher. Jerry starts to walk out when the teacher says, "And by the way, Jerry, next class don't stare at
...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine.
...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: "Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!"
...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping."
...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!".
...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything.
...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers.
...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt kno
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