A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, "I hate porridge." A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, "I like porridge." Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says... "Would you two stop this constant bickering!"

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.

There was once a very stupid parrot that could only say: "Who's there?" So one fine evening, while its owner was out shopping, the gas delivery man arrived at the door. He pressed the door bell and waited for the door to be opened. At that moment, the parrot said: "Who's there?" The man then promptly replied: "Gas delivery man." The parrot then spoke: "Who's there?" The man then repeated himself again. After several hours, the owner returned home. He was shocked to find a man outside his door, foaming in his mouth. Puzzled, he said:" Who's that?" A voice from inside the house replied: "Gas delivery man."

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the rabbi what he should do. The rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do." The man does as he is to

Why couldn't G-Unit take the bus? They only had 50 cent!

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK 1. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is NEVER good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhh....I see the screw-you fairy has visited us again. 11. I have plenty of talen

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.) Remote controls in hotels are the worst! (Always carry your Lysol spray!) An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -- while you slept! Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. In a lifetime 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home, will have examined the

Why did the lightbulb fail his test? He wasnt bright enough!

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?" The bartender replies,  "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka." The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"    The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."

Did you hear about all the Wal-Marts being taken out of Afghanistan? Yeah thet're putting in Targets!

You're pretty... pretty ugly! You finally figured out how to screw in that lightbulb, but the power went out. You're smart... smart as a fencepost!

You have a face like a baby, with a brain to match. * Credited to my friend fqzeng.