Popular Jokes
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for
50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) - Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive withthe windows down.
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadianspull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460°
-Knock Knock!
-Who's there?
-You know.
-You know who?
-Thats right, avada kedavra!
Years ago when I was working at Customer Service for a gardening company, I came across this tale. It is completely true!
A lady came in looking for a soaker hose (a hose that drips water into the soil every few minutes) I helped her find it, but soon, she came back with a complaint.
"What's the problem," I asked.
"It leaks."
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl."
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, hon, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And what happened to my present?"
"What present?" she asked
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she said.
"Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!"
Battle
Where a whole lot of white men kill a few Indians.
Massacre
Where a whole lot of Indians kill a few white men.
A Welsh girl called Gwyneth visited Japan recently. There, people had problems pronouncing her name so she became Gwyniss. Everywhere she went, she was greeted with tremendous respect. At a farewell reception, her host said, "We've been so excited to have a famous author in our midst." "What am I supposed to have written?" she asked, baffled.
"Why, The Gwyniss Book of Records."
My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am?" he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down.
It's called "The History of Glue"!
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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