Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

I'm so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go "WOOF"!

In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter. Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"

Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN: 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets. 3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight. 4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago. 5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll. 9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on

Alaska • A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. (O_o) • Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear for photo opportunities. (is shooting waking?) • Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. (but why?) • In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting. • It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. (How did the moose get in the flippin plane?) • Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time. • Moose may not be viewed from an airplane. • State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found t

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby Move First child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hour after hour I waited until that magic moment when I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience. Second child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family. Third child: She told

When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him. "Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job." "This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!" "No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."

One day, two children are bickering on the playground. Kid 1: My mom says that kids who get whatever they want are spoiled and rotten and stuck-up. Kid 2: Well, I'm not spoiled. Kid 1: Yeah, you are, you get everything you want. Kid 2: I don't get everything I want. Kid 1: Yeah, you do. Kid 2: No, I don't, because I "want" you to shut-up!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant procee