Q: How many polititians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 6 Clinton to start the screwing enitiative, Nixon to steal public tax money to campain for the support of the light bulb initiative, Jimmy Carter to bore people to death about the campain Reagan to reasure the American public that it is necesary and ok to change the light bulb Bush jr. to make a mess of the initiative........ .........and Hillary to come smack the s#%@ out of her husband for screwing around!!!

You are a redneck if: you've ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee.

Knock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!

CLERK: Please repeat after me; "I swear by Almighty God," WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God." CLERK: "That the evidence that I give," WITNESS: That's right. CLERK: Repeat it. WITNESS: "Repeat it." CLERK: No! Repeat what I said. WITNESS: What you said when? CLERK: "That the evidence that I give," WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give," CLERK: "Shall be the truth, and," WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and." CLERK: Say: "Nothing." WITNESS: Okay. (Witness

Once there was a blond, a red head, and a brunette. They had to tell a joke in order not to go to hell. So the red head goes first: "What do you call a boy going to jail? A Micheal Jackson lover." (not that funny) So she goes to hell. Then the burnette says: "What's the difference between your mama and the blond's mama? The blond's has a bigger chance on giving it up and yours doesn't need any." (not that funny either) So, she goes to hell as well. Finally, the blond says: "Knock-knock! Who's there? God God who? Godzilla!" (not that funny) But, the blond gets in! Why? Because, she used God and didn't notice it.

You might be a redneck if your baby stroller consists of a potato sack and a wheelbarrow.

15 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 6. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 7. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 8. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 10. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 11. You can have chocolate

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit; she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils, and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together, and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A newfie is walking down Yonge street in Toronto and sees a store front. The only thing inside are 2 guys sitting on stools. The newfie walks in and says "Hey what are you guys selling?" The one guy, recognizing the accent as being newfie, says "we're selling assholes!" The newfie responds "HOLY SHIT! Business must be good; you only have 2 left!!

Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include your Children when Baking Cookies